Blowing

by BLOODY IDIOT

I HAVE been forced to break away from my regular weekly observations of our beloved Tigers and jump on a bandwagon. I need to address a much more serious issue. More serious than the current form of the Richmond Football Club. More serious than The Duck's price tag. More serious than Richo's thinning hair.

UMPIRES.

I love them. I love every move, groove, jog, prance, bounce, throw, and whistle blow. Every flag wave of every match is an extra special delight. Watching the goal umpires is hilarious. Tell me another sport that includes this kind of character. Find me a 10-year-old kid that has never imitated a goal umpire and I'll sack Joe Gutnick!

So why does "The Geish" and his band of meddlers need to change a thing?

IF THEY DO, I QUIT.

What's wrong with the umpires anyway? They get in the way sometimes, so what! Why do they need any attention? Why has "The Geish" suggested (during a Footy Show interview) changing the uniforms? What the flaming heck is wrong with white? I reckon the more anonymous the better! Should we turn them into black and white-stripped monkeys like the American football umpires?

HEY GEISH, THE WHEEL'S NOT BROKEN.

If anyone knows who is running the umpires current PR machine let me know because they're good.

REAL GOOD!

Got a problem? Try this.

When doubting umpire performance, use this graph: Place your team on the X-axis. This axis represents 100 minutes of game play. Place the opposition team on the Y-axis, also lasting 100 minutes. The umpire travels to the right, from the intersection of the two lines (X&Y).

Using Bloody Idiot's patented "Ball-o-meter" frees for and against are then plotted along the forming diagonal line. In an ideal situation the line will travel at a steady 45 degree angle over the entire game. Any deviation is cause for alarm and you may need to...

CALL THE GEISH.

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