Bi-curious

by BLOODY IDIOT

GREETINGS Aussie Footy Heads.

I do plan to get back on track with my usual format as soon as I complete my research on "Why pregnant woman should not play Australian Rules". This topic may be quite Melbourne-centric, but you know the old saying...

TOO BAD

Anyway, this week's split round gave me time to make a few observations about our great game. Here is a list of my favourite things I love to see at a game of Australian Rules.

A kid wearing a jumper so big it looks like a dress. And kids in general.

Brown, acid-wash leather jackets.

Swearing "Footy Grannys", who always travel in pairs and eat sandwiches with the crusts cut off. How come they never offer me one?

Footy Blondes. Like "Footy Grannys", they also travel in pairs but wear black. Sometimes they cover up a hangover with too much putty.

Toupees.

Fat guys smoking and criticising players' fitness.

Fat guys on the run after the second siren, often slipping or tripping over a kid.

Dads who can't kick a football.

Old footys with bladder haemorrhoids.

A barmen wearing a diamante earing.

Any Asian player.

Thermoses

Porno moustaches.

Tweed.

Blokes facing the wrong way and starting up a chant (especially blokes without any teeth).

A BMW bogged in the MCG carpark. Especially a black one with a MFC membership sticker.

Cops on the boundary line who attempt a hand pass.

Really, really pissed blokes. Very rare sight, this disappeared with Waverley.

Aluminium entrepreneurs (Can collectors) also popular at Waverley.

Hand knitted footy jumpers (almost extinct)

People taking flash photos of play on the other side of the ground.

Any player abusing a fan.

The Little League.

An umpire falling over.

The half time double rack, (four beers for two guys).

And finally; a spelling error on a banner.

I ask all my fans out there, especially The Ranger, to help Bloody Idiot keep the Americanisation of our great game at bay. Go Knighter, 250's great mate!

All the best Footy Heads.

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