Musical maestros

by ROB MCLEAN

NOW here's a certain premiership line up. But just how would they go at the random drug tests?

Forwards:

Robbie Williams: cheeky young upstart who likes to be in the thick of things. Hard working with a smile that umpires love and opposition fans hate.

Michael Jackson: A Capperesque player with quick feet and slick moves. Always high on the goalkicking charts, although his best years were in the early to mid-1980s. He does have a monkey to get off his back though. Always the first with a new hair style. Wasn't impressed with a training technique that saw players forced to run through a burning hoop to confront their fears - the first one through, Jackson burnt much of his hair off.

Jimmy Nicol: Has proved to be a reliable back up midfielder. Often substitutes in the midfield when Ringo Starr is tired and needs a rest. Works to the beat of the team's drum.

Half forwards:

Eminem: Comes into the team for a bit of grit. Enjoys a good verbal spar with his opponents and often wins one-on-one battles. A controversial player, generally not liked by the older members of the Maestro's supporter base. However, he claims to have just been given a "bad rap".

Sharon Osbourne: Acknowledged as a solid troop marshall. A very determined player, Osbourne came into the team in the middle 1980s when namesake Ozzy Osbourne's career was waning. Since coming into the side, Ozzie's career has continued to flourish, due to the support of Sharon. However, her controlling aspects gets her the on-field gig ahead of Ozzie.

James Brown: Loves the limelight and has made several comebacks. Is probably on his last legs. But still has strong football charisma. Has a habit of diving for free kicks in a style similar to Wanganeen's, particularly at the end of a game, and then getting up very quickly. His nickname is the 'Godfather'.

Centre line:

Jim Morrison: 'The Lizard King', a nick name given to Morrison after a 'kissing' incident on a footy trip several years ago, plays left of centre. Uses plenty of medical help to get himself back on the field each week, but is a great, although, often withdrawn performer. Sometimes falls asleep in the bath after matches.

John Lennon: A pivotal player who forms part of the legendary 'Fab Four' with Starr, Paul McCartney and George Harrison. Always starts front and square of the packs. What more needs to be said.

Michael Hutchence: Has modelled much of his game and often in excessive after match activities on Morrison's. Spent time in Perth. Is known for his enjoyment of taking hangers. A big hit with the ladies.

Half back line:

Ice Cube forms a tough uncompromising half back line with Ice T and Nick Cave. Cube is a hard at the ball player who originates from the West Coast. Never frightened to use a stab punt to hit a target on the chest. His intelligence is often underrated due to his aggressive nature.

Ice T, has a problem with talking back to the umpires, but moves quickly at the ball. Like Cube is tough and uncompromising.

Cave is a dour, but flamboyant centre half back. Has seen some depressing days with the Maestros, before embarking on a successful career that resulted in a solid partnership with Kylie Minogue, bringing him to greater prominence.

Back line:

Weird 'Al' Yankovic: The fact he is weird can be off-putting for opposing players. He likes to turn things around and is unpredictable. Does very good impersonations of team-mate Jackson which sometimes upset the sensitive forward.

Henry Rollins: A well travelled footballer, Rollins is as hard nosed as they come. Smart and tough, Rollins, like Cave, did it hard early in his career, but his art has gained more respect as he has aged. A very good pre-match speaker to the players, but is sometimes known to rant.

Madonna: Has played with a few sides in her time, but is a strong performer over a long period. Often reinvents her game just when it appears her career is over. Put out a very successful nude calender several years ago, one of the first players to sell themselves in such a way. She called it art, critics called it trash and said there was "no place for that sort of thing in football".

Followers:

Paul McCartney: Has formed a solid relationship with Lennon over the years that has hit rocky times during the late part of their career together. Thought about 'winging' it out of the side, but decided to give it another go.

George Harrison: Although, not recognised as a genuine ruckman, Harrison due to his trancendental nature, often finds himself above the crowd as if walking on air. Introduced massage and meditation to the team's training schedule.

Ringo Starr: Makes up the last member of the 'Fab Four'. The final member to join the quartet in team, his sense of humour and fascination with trains makes him a popular team-mate. Often sits behind the packs and lets his team-mates take the plaudits. However, he gets more fan mail than the rest of the team combined.

Interchange:

Ozzy Osbourne: A strong, hard at it player in his early days. Osbourne's career has been resurrected by Sharon Osbourne's arrival at the club. Unlike some of the other players has no hesitation in playing on the Sabbath and would run through brick walls or gorge himself on bats if the coach asked him too. His hands sometimes are a little bit shaky when on a strong lead and is clumsy, resulting in one of the highest frees against counts in the league. Opponents such as Alice Cooper and Marilyn Manson have based much of their games on his.

Kylie Minogue: Regarded as a lightweight performer at the start of her career, Minogue has come on in leaps and bounds. Needed to leave home to gain proper recognition. Has formed a good partnership with Cave, a move which gave both of their careers a new edge. Like Shane Crawford, has a long forgotten sibling who was also involved in the game.

Rolf Harris: Not a pretty player, Harris sometimes sprays his kicks. Although his prodigious leaping ability makes it appear as if he has three legs. Known to huff and puff a bit during play.

Coach:

George Martin: His role in bringing the 'Fab Four' to the attention of talent scouts earns his place as coach of this illustrious side.

Club chairman:

Frank Sinatra: No one else could be chairman of the club board. Although sometimes a little cranky, Sinatra enjoys being involved in the game and doesn't mind getting involved in some of the grubbier aspects. His connections outside of the sport make him a feared foe at committee level.

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