Infernal Afairs: Triads and treachery - did Jane Austen write that one?

by BRETT WOODWARD

UNLESS an old break-dancing head injury has left you with the sub-title reading age of a six-year-old, or you endured a humiliating cavity search at Hong Kong airport that means you break into a cold sphincter sweat whenever you hear Cantonese spoken, go and rent the DVDs of 'Infernal Affairs' I-III tonight.

This is an underworld epic approaching the quality of 'The Godfather' I and II (don't get me started on that shitty 'Godfather III'!) in scope and complexity. Freak my Fredo if it doesn't have about three times as many wiseguys getting whacked at close range by smiling former pals!

You should watch the three films in order but 'Infernal Affairs' I, if you can only see one of them, is a great stand-alone yarn. Rare in sequel city, the second installment is as good if not better than the first. Part three ties up all the loose ends but not before throwing another half dozen hyperkinetic sub-plots, twists, betrayals and unforeseen revelations at your reeling brain.

All you really need to know, and the ONLY dead simple component of the whole story, is this: Yan is a cop so deep undercover, and for so long, he's starting to dig being a triad thug. Gals, guns, dope and double-crosses, the cops just about have to pistol-whip Yan monthly to remind him that he's on assignment!

Because this is Hong Kong crime/action cinema, there has to be a kink to it that you ain't going to get from Hollywood. Ming is a loyal triad member out to make a name for himself. He is instructed by a gangland lieutenant to sacrifice the easy road of street crime and a career as a stand-over merchant by signing up for the police academy, graduating with honors, joining the force and spending years as an undercover crook, feeding information about raids, arrests and investigations to his triad bosses. Just like Yan, he's begun enjoying the gig and is actually one helluva cop; decorated, respected and, perversely, feared by criminals who don't know he's one of their own!

Things turn rotten and both sides become aware that they have been penetrated by moles (ouch!) and Hong Kong law enforcement is going to hell, hence the title. From this point on, just plant both feet firmly on the floor, put one in the chamber and for pity's sake give us some covering fire until back-up arrives.

Scorsese doesn't mess with the core of the 'Infernal Affairs' story in botching 'The Departed'. He does manage to rob it of all texture. My other BIG problem was the clumsiness a director of his immense experience exhibited in re-spinning the yarn.

So gangster Jack Nicholson bangs on about loyalty while betraying practically everybody. Top cops Sheen, Wahlberg and Baldwin bleat about efficiency and integrity while cocking simple investigations. This is film SCHOOL not film MAKING.

Scorsese used to be gifted at choosing the music for his movies. Subtle references in the lyrics of pop songs that he would insert while goombah corpses were being buried in a cornfield showed genius. In 'The Departed', when someone is 'seeking shelter' Marty hits 'play' on the Rolling Stones' 'Gimme Shelter'. Then poor pouting Leonardo DiCaprio is so stressed he needs to be numbed and so the guy who gave us 'Taxi Driver' (!) says, "Dude, check this out! How about we play Pink Floyd's 'Comfortably Numb'." Stop it!

My friend, you will not get the obvious from the Hong Kong predecessor to 'The Departed'. The time-line leaps of 'Infernal Affairs' I-III make 'Kill Bill' look about as complicated as a pizza menu. It jumps around three decades between the mid-1980s, on through the 90s until 2003 like a speed freak straight after crystal meth Santa came down his chimney.

You will say the following many times: "So, who's THIS guy?" "Man, I thought she was dead!" "How did they get to the docks from HQ so quick and how come everybody's shooting?" "But aren't they, like, best buddies?" and "Dear god, I wouldn't have thought the human body contained so much blood!"

Don't sweat it, all will be revealed. Along the way you'll fall in love with raven-haired babes in black latex miniskirts; you'll want to buy a tight, shiny double-breasted suit; you'll just about learn how to kill a man with a napkin and you'll trade those fey looking cufflinks for a meat-cleaver to stash down your shorts.

'Infernal Affairs' I-III boasts the triple-A list of Hong Kong screen talent on both sides of the camera. The leads, Andy Lau and Tony Leung Chiu Wai, roll Cruise looks and charm, Eastwood tough, and psycho De Niro presence into phenomenal performances. Punks like Leonardo DiCaprio take their damn drinks order.

Andrew Lau and Alan Mak co-direct all three sagas. Impress your drinking buddies by knowing Asian action trivia like the fact that Andy and Andrew Lau are two different guys who have worked together on at least three films. Andrew likes to keep the HK Tax Office, former girlfriends with paternity suits as well as his fans on their toes by working under four other aliases.

Surely you're familiar with some of his classic films like 'Women From Mars', 'Ultimate Vampire', 'Raped by an Angel', 'Legend of the Fist Master' and 'New Human Skin Lantern', all of which sound far less lurid and gruesome in Cantonese. Alright, maybe you've never heard of a single one of them but what about Andrew's second greatest achievement, the six-sequel 'Young and Dangerous' series of teen triad flicks? Kind of like 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off' with a whole lot more knife fights and jail time.

Partner in crime Alan Mak also likes to play the name game and sometimes operates as Siu Fai Mak. This doesn't help anybody though when translating the wacky titles of some of his back catalogue like 'Nude Fear', 'Xmas Rave Fever' or 'A War Named Desire'.

Supporting stars Eric Tsang and Anthony Wong are like the Gene Hackman and M. Emmet Walsh of Hong Kong cinema. Grizzled, paunchy character actors who have spent a good chunk of their respective careers playing crusty, hard-drinking police chiefs or likeable hitmen. These are the kind of guys who will machine-gun a nightclub full of lowlifes and then pick up flowers for the wife on the way home.

All three 'Infernal Affairs' movies look and sound magnificent. Hotshot editor Danny Pang cut the film; Danny has a whole other career as a director with his twin brother Oxide. Blame Danny when you get momentarily lost in the twists and turns. Outstanding Aussie lensman Chris Doyle, a long-term Wong Kar Wai collaborator, was brought in as special visual consultant. Dion Lam was the action choreographer you might not know the name but you sure as heck know his fist and footwork from all the 'Matrix' movies. Man-Chat To and Sung Pong Choo were also closely involved with the film; I have no idea who they are but how cool are those names?

The 'Infernal Affairs' story isn't going to insult you with mobster clichs and endless high-speed pursuits 24-hour Hong Kong gridlock just about precludes any serious pedal to the metal Cadillaction anyway. Look, just get your 'gai sea fut' (that would be 'skinny chicken ass' to you) down to Chinatown or pester your corner Blockbuster for the DVDs. Don't be palmed off with the similarly titled 1990 Mike Figgis film with Andy Garcia and Richard Gere. It's a halfway decent crooked cop tale but completely devoid of the vast wardrobe of Hawaiian shirts you'll see in 'Infernal Affairs'.

Truly confused but kind of turned on by the thought of a whole new world of Asian movies with rapid fire sub-titles and all this talk of raven-haired babes in black latex mini-skirts (sorry, spaced out for a second there)? You foreign devils should point your browser at heroic-cinema.com, a wonderfully comprehensive but plain speaking and very entertaining Aussie web stop for all aspects of Asian screen culture. If you crave an insane amount of detail, www.hkmdb.com, Hong Kong Movie Database, will fill you in on HK movies from 1913 until this morning.

Before signing off I'd like to provide one more tip: brush up on your Chinese insults and cuss words because all those Sicilian profanities you've picked up over the course of 200 Mafia movies ain't going to cut it watching 'Infernal Affairs'. You want to be screaming knowledgeably and fluently at the screen when some goon is getting 'gai'-slapped, not embarrassing yourself in front of your mother. Mandarin seems to me to be a whisker more colorful and poetic than Cantonese but the beginner can stop off at insultmonger.com and check out their Swearasaurus to grasp the essentials in no more than 10 minutes.

Start slow with 'cho yadei' (smelly slave wench) and 'si lang kow' (dead man doggie) before kicking it up a notch with 'tsao ni zuzong shiba dai' (fuck 18 generations of your ancestors) and the real killer, 'too zaizi' (son of a rabbit). Apparently 'ni you piaoliang de lu maozi' (you have a pretty green hat) it taking it a bit far. This ferocious slander is a sly reference to jigginess between your wife and best friend. I'd grasp the subtlety of it if I wasn't such a 'sha gwa', which I hope means what I think it means and not 'black-hearted impotent hermaphrodite'.

Brett Woodward's new book of cartoons, 'IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN THE FERRIS WHEEL BREAKS', is out right now. Go to myspace/brett_woodward for details and sample funnies.

18 October 2006

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