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Scorsese gets daffy
by BRETT WOODWARDDO you know what 'daffy' is? Well, you take a large bowl and fill it with a whole lot of quirky, loopy, silly, nutty, kooky and zany. Pour the mixture into a lightly greased baking dish and cook in a moderate oven for a week or two. Voila! Daffy. Daffy is great if you're watching re-runs of 'The Monkees' or 'The Banana Splits' TV shows. It is, however, annoying as buggery if you're watching a new Martin Scorsese movie about organized crime and police corruption. Actually, if you can scream your way through the initial discomfort, buggery would be a preferable way to spend 152 minutes rather than watching 'The Departed'. There have only been a very few occasions in my life when I have so completely disengaged from a film while watching it in a cinema. On most of those occasions Shirley MacLaine was involved. The last time was during Scorsese's 'Gangs of New York'. I counted oddly shaped tiles on the ceiling and thought of what I could get my nephews for Christmas. This was in July! I am a huge Scorsese fan but these last few movies have been so bad that I fear for the man's mental well-being. It's like he's suffering from some special kind of Hollywood Alzheimer's. I can imagine someone sitting him down to watch 'The Departed' six weeks from now and Marty blurting out, What a turd! They should have let me direct this. Wait a minute, how did you people get into my house? Am I wearing pajamas? It's like he called a meeting of the key cast members Jack Nicholson, Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Martin Sheen and instructed them all to do bad impersonations of themselves throughout the film. Alec Baldwin seemed to be the only one sensible enough to play it as a comedy. He hams it up so bad that the theatre began to smell like a piggery. Ray Winstone a phenomenal Brit character actor mangles some supposedly Bostonian accent like he's got a mouthful of Hubba Bubba. Mark Wahlberg is either high or taking the piss. I don't need much. Six or seven guys sitting around slurping pasta and vino, saying 'cocksucker' and 'fungool' every third word, maybe stabbing some joker in the eye with a biro and then laughing about the night Joey 'Three Ears' Funicelli got drowned in a vat of gelati. I got nada from 'The Departed', not even a snitch hanging upside down in a meat locker screaming, But Louie, you an me, we grew up together. Don't do this, I beg you! The biggest crime of all is that 'The Departed' came from sensational source material. About 16 seconds after Hong Kong blockbuster 'Infernal Affairs' hit the screen, Scorsese announced he'd remake it for the US market. Like all the American do-overs of Asian breakout hits lets take the 'Ring' and 'Grudge' movies as examples the story is greatly simplified so that some Pepsi-chugging New Yorker doesn't choke on his popcorn gasping Whuh?! Admittedly 'Infernal Affairs, and its sequels, are somewhat complicated in structure. This is because they are rich, layered cinema experiences. You know, the kind of films Martin Scorsese USED to make. I won't bother outlining the plot as it is rendered in 'The Departed' because I want to save it for a discussion of the superior originals. Also, I must pay respect to the pithy amateur critic who attended the same screening. As the final, utterly absurd shot lit up the screen he yelled out, Uh why not! In one grunt and two words he had summed up the thoughts of everyone in the cinema. We had all put up with two and a half hours of idiocy so another few seconds of nonsense wasn't going to hurt. Luckily we all still had time to get a decent souvlaki and salvage a Friday night. Brett Woodward's new book of cartoons, "IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN THE FERRIS WHEEL BREAKS", is out this month. Have a look at myspace/brett_woodward for details and sample funnies. Why not say "High" at ferriswheelbreaks@gmail.com Soon we'll bring you Brett's look at Infernal Affairs I-III. 15 October 2006 |
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