Spinal tip

by MATT QUARTERMAINE

AUSTRALIA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEO, Channel Nine at 6.30pm on Saturdays, has become a television institution much like Hey Hey It's Saturday for the generation before it. However, when you call something the "funniest", it tends to raise expectations. They're not calling this show Australia's "Most Droll", "Mildly Amusing" or "Smile Inducing " videos; they reckon these are "the Funniest". Comedy must be in deep trouble if this is the pinnacle of hand-held humour.

The show could be called Australia's "Slipperiest Footpaths" or "Faultiest Furniture". You know the drill; people send in videos of elderly relatives falling over, biting animals and small children in life-threatening situations and they could win a huge slab of cash. The lure of wads of dosh also means that we all know some people will do anything for easy money. This thought lingers in the back of my mind as teenagers attempt dangerous "Jackass" stunts and toddlers are "accidentally" launched across backyards. The cameramen and women also stand back with a cinema verite detachment, eventually going to help, but not until they've got the money shot. It's laughter at the expense of others and it's not an expense incurred by the producers. Surely this is one of the biggest profit margin shows ever produced on television. The prizes are huge for the winners because the cash outlay only goes to a host, a few crew, an editor, a voice-over guy and a sound effects man.

The show could be called "Australia's Most Annoying Host". Shelley Craft is the new bimbette and has me pining for what I failed to realise was the restrained class of Toni Pearen. Shelley is a bottled blond who brims with cheek-stretching enthusiasm and peaks my irritation meter by speaking with a giggle trapped in each word. Her enjoyment is as fake as a politician's baby kiss. Admittedly, she isn't helped by a tele-prompted script brimming with puns and groan inducing "jokes". If a joke produces a groan then it is not a joke, it is a sentence.

The writers should be hunted down and gutted for generating this groan inducing bile. Having only to write a bit of hosting dialogue and some voice-over gags, these pen masters only manage the hit quotient of an amputee boxing match. The voiceover bloke, who someone at Channel Nine must reckon is the reincarnation of Noel Coward, is so loud and annoying he should be a Yank. Voice-over bloke is meant to be the master of accents and funny intonation, but he's as witty as a pissed uncle at a family function armed with a whoopee cushion. The sound effects guy hasn't looked further than his Loony Tune sound effects library and thinks irony is used in the construction of cars. Australia's Funniest Home Videos is as lazy and cheap as a fat prostitute. It's turgid, one dimensional, and mean spirited television that laughs at the misfortune of others. It's my children's favourite television program and we never miss it.

This story first appeared in Big Issue.

18 April 2008

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