One cook many broths

by MATT QUARTERMAINE

MUCH like the seventies overload of dissimilar cops, (Kojak, Barnaby Jones, Jim Rockford et all), Australia's food obsession has led to a plethora of different cooks. There have been fat chefs, a young chef, an Asian chef, an old chef, a sexy chef and now the foul mouthed chef, Gordon Ramsay. The philosophy at Channel Nine seems to be if you're on a good thing flog it to death as Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmare was a hit on one night, so Channel Nine bumped their regular prime time shows from two nights (including new Australian drama Canal Road) for three nights of cooking with Gordon. Nine's line-up for three nights a week is Hell's Kitchen Wednesday at 8.30pm and Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares on Tuesday and Wednesday at 8.30pm. Too much of a good thing is sure to backfire on Channel Nine soon as they obviously don't watch their own shows, because Gordon would flog them unmercifully for serving the same meal three nights in a row.

Often with his head in his hands, Gordon deals with the hopeless and the hopeful, berating and cajoling them to lift their game as they test his patience to the limit. He swears like a sailor on shore leave, but Gordon Ramsay's charm is his straight talking, a lack of pretension in a very pretentious business and the ability to call a spade a f*#~!ing shovel. Gordon's colourful language has brought a howl of protest and a publicity boon for Channel Nine, but his foul language isn't the show's one trick, because Gordon has an amusing turn of phrase too; "If it's brown it's cooked, if it's black it's F*#$%ed", "If you toss that cabbage once more, I'm going to ram it up your arse" and "It looks like a sheep's turd infested with ants". The only problem is the infectiousness of the bad language, to which my kids will testify as I told them "Time to brush your F*%$#ing teeth, darlings."

Gordon's forthright dealing with incompetent staff must be wish fulfilment for the owners of businesses across the country. There's more tears than an Australian Idol contestant as Gordon belittles the kitchen staff who don't come up to scratch or a restaurateur who has no idea what they're doing. It's mostly common sense for people who lack the sixth sense, but it's fun to sit on Gordon's shoulder as he rides roughshod over the inadequate. The shows often have a happy ending as patrons flock to the newly converted business after Gordon has made them see the light, often by shining the torch of comprehension fair-square in their blinkered eyes.

The Channel Nine flog-it philosophy will extend to other programs soon, so look out for Gordon Ramsay's Play School ("There's a F*#%$ing bear in there!"), Gordon Ramsay's News ("We're F#*%ed!") followed by Gordon Ramsay's Weather Report ("Stick ya head out the window and if it gets wet, it's f#%!*ing raining"). Thanks for reading my column, now F*%! off!

From Big Issue.

20 May 2008

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