In Myspace no-one can hear you scream

by MATT QUARTERMAINE

JUST when you thought it was safe to go to the television, along comes My Kid's A Star on Channel Nine, Wednesday's at 7.30pm. The show follows 10 children and their parents through a six-week boot camp in the quest for fame, fortune and $50,000.

Hosted by Cameron Daddo on auto-pilot, who we last saw kicking pirates off a reality ship, there is also a panel of judges... blah, blah blah... padding out a show that could be over in five minutes if they just said "No, no, no, no...yes". The panel consists of two agents and a former child star; Max Markson, Marki Costello and Danny Bonaduce. Markson is the agent of Bob Hawke, Ita Buttrose, and "Aussie" Joe Bugner and will flog someone's story to A Current Affair just to build an extension on his mansion. Costello is the daughter of Lou Costello, from Abbott and Costello (not the former Liberal frontbenchers, the comic duo) and is as hard as her old man apparently was, constantly referring to the kids as" brands". Bonaduce is the fallen child star who played Danny in The Partridge Family and is there to make sure the kids don't grow up like him. Bonaduce relays the story of how he hit rock bottom and had to get a job wearing a lobster costume for a seafood restaurant, so no-one would see his shame. The way My Kid's A Star is unfolding, he should have brought along the lobster costume.

I made the mistake of thinking this was a reality series, when it is actually a horror show. The aspiring offspring don't burst forth from John Hurt's rupturing stomach, rather they explode from their mothers wombs complete with too much mascara and speckled with glitter. The creepiness continues as the showbiz parents constantly use the word "we" when referring to their children winning the $50,000 prize. One little girl told how she was splitting the winnings with her mum. Forget being an agent and getting 15% of your performer's fee, become a showbiz parent and get 50%. Instead of $50,000, the winning child should be adopted by a normal family and allowed to play with dolls and fight their siblings.

The show ends when the parents are brought before the judges to be told which child is being kicked off the show. One by one they step forward to hear the bad news, which reminded me of the old joke when a sergeant has to tell a soldier his parents had died: "Take one step forward all those soldiers with parents," says the sergeant as all the soldiers take a step forward, "Private Smith, what do you think you're doing?" The parent has to break the bad news to the child, which is extremely cruel as the children should hear bad news from someone who loves them. If you like to watch television while dry retching, then My Kid's A Star is the show for you.

This story first appeared in Big Issue.

28 April 2008

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