News of the world

by MATT QUARTERMAINE

EVERY weekday morning SBS broadcasts news services from different countries in their native language. My grasp of foreign languages only extends to fancy desserts (soufflé), but all the news services are depressingly familiar and highlight the triviality of the Australian bulletins.

The German news full of guttural clicks and teethy consonants has a down home feel with phrases like "Chelsea Flower Show" and "Manchester United" jumping the language barrier. The Spanish news is the slickest, reporters and newsreaders in shimmering, expensive suits, and pretend internet graphics. The Russian news has less sheen and features Vladimir Putin regularly checking out goats or touring the industrial landscape. The Indonesian news has a cheaper look, but with an admirable world view. My favourite news is the Dubai bulletin with reporters, Sheiks and politicians in flowing white robes and headdresses, featuring economic news and significant people sitting on luxurious red velvet, gold lined chairs.

The opening graphics of all the news bulletins feature sleek, sliding graphics, busy reporters and a comparable important sounding theme, only the synthesiser getting cheesier the more third world the country. All of the bulletins follow the same template; international news followed by local news, sport and then the weather. The more affluent the country, the greater the emphasis is on celebrity fluff. The newsreaders with thousand-yard-stare teleprompter eyes touch a finger to their earpiece during technical difficulties and adjust their radio mics to appear busy during the theme. European newsreaders with wavy coiffured hair appear in slick, shiny suits and trendy glasses, exude warmth in front of angular, modern, busy, tech-savvy backgrounds. The male and female team of newsreaders is common, smiling to each other as they share a joke and a pretend sexual tension. All of the reporters end with the throwaway downward inflection of their name. The language of weather is universal; clouds with broken lines depicting rain and a sun peeping from behind a cloud giving hope to all, unless you're in a drought affected country like Australia.

World leaders chat before barrages of cameras in outrageously comfortable chairs. Overweight politicians, their ties straining to keep their top button closed, don't point these days (apparently it's rude), but gesture with Bill Clinton thumbs pressed into non-threatening fists. On the street interviews feature bewildered individuals attacked by a myriad of phallic microphones protruding from the bottom of the screen. Important men and women give conferences in front of advertising boards at an extended table, staring down the reporters with their solemn eyes and words weighted by their bulging bank accounts. Disasters are represented by footage of bodies on stretchers and shaky, hand-held poor quality video of distressed victims. Science news invariably will show a petrie dish, lab rats and a gloved scientist in a white lab coat. The most common stories are sport (soccer), politics and graphics of oil barrels with a graph and an ascending line representing the increasing cost.

The universal language of the news bulletin lets everyone know that when the camera pulls away and the newsreader removes their lapel mic, there is no more news today.

This story first appeared in Big Issue.

4 June 2008

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