What does anyone stand for?

by LES EVERETT

THE latest column by Robert Walls in The Age and The West Australian is one of the most hysterical pieces of writing on football ever seen.

Walls looked at the efforts on the AFL's four new coaches in 2008. Fremantle's Mark Harvey is at the bottom of the list, according to Walls, partly because he has: "Too many old, undisciplined, lazy, unfit, uncommitted players." Wow, Robert sounds just a little unhinged.

There are doubts, according to Walls, as to what Fremantle Football Club stands for. It's at this point we need to remind ourselves that Walls is somewhat of a footy cottage industry. He was the one who apparently stumped Harvey in an interview on pay TV by asking the 'what does Fremantle stand for' question. The question came the day after the Dockers had experienced arguably their worst ever loss. What could Harvey say that wouldn't sound shallow?

Now I think Mr Walls is onto something here. In fact he could flummox every coach in the competition with this question.

Just imagine how the interviews could go...

Walls: What does you club stand for?

Mark Williams (Port Adelaide): Well it's in our song. 'We never stop, stop, stop...'

Walls: What about last year's grand final?

Williams: Oh yeah...

Walls: Got ya.

John Worsfold (West Coast): Strong on and off the field.

(Indecipherable voice of media minder in the background).

Worsfold: Wait a minute that was the last few years; we're not like that any more. Now we're the new breed.

Walls: So that means you're disassociating yourself with seasons like 2006.

Worsfold: Yep. No wait a...

Walls (interrupting): Got ya.

Brett Ratten (Carlton): Integrity.

Walls: Excellent.

Producer: Ask him about the salary cap and price fixing.

Walls: Thanks Brett, that's great.

Mark Thompson (Geelong): Strength, consistency and success.

Walls: Always?

Thompson: Yep, that's the Geelong way.

Walls: Why did people talk about the Cats and handbags? What about the 92, 94 and 95 grand finals?

Thompson: Oh yeah.

Walls: Got ya.

Leigh Matthews (Brisbane): Going it alone in the north.

Walls: With a huge salary cap advantage.

Matthews: Oh yeah.

Walls: Got ya.

Matthew Knights (Essendon): Ask Sheeds.

Walls: You're coach now Matthew.

Knights: Oh yeah.

Walls: Got ya.

Mick Malthouse (Collingwood): We're the number one sporting organization in the nation. In fact the world. In fact the number one organization of any kind.

Walls: But you've only won one premierships in the last 50 years.

Malthouse: Yeah but.

Walls: Got ya.

Rodney Eade (Western Bulldogs): We're the sons of the 'Scray.

Walls: But you changed your name.

Eade. Oh yeah.

Walls: Got ya.

Dean Laidley: It's the Shinboner spirit.

Walls: Is your president showing the Shinboner spirit when he goes on TV with Sam Newman?

Laidley: Yeah, he's a dickhead isn't he?

Walls: Got ya.

Alistair Clarkson (Hawthorn): We're the happy team at Hawthorn.

Walls: Happy when you're winning. You wanted to fight everyone last year when you lost a couple of games.

Clarkson: Yeah but we're winning now.

Walls: Got ya.

Neil Craig (Adelaide): We're about taking the game to another level.

Walls: Does that explain why you choke in the big games and go back to that stupid tempo nonsense?

Craig: No we don't. Much...

Walls: Got ya.

Dean Bailey: For the elite and of the elite.

Walls: Are you joking?

Bailey: Macca told me to say that.

Walls: Got ya.

Paul Roos (Sydney): We're the Bloods of old South Melbourne.

Walls: Got ya.

Terry Wallace (Richmond): Planning for the future. Going forward.

Walls: How far into your five year plan are you Terry?

Wallace: Which one?

Walls: Got ya.

Ross Lyon (St Kilda): Boring on the field. Exciting off it.

Walls: You've got me there.

14 May 2008

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